Today I had a moment where I was just looking around my surroundings and asking myself, “How in the world did I get here?”, “is it some sort of dream I refuse to wake up from?”, “Who did I trick to get me into a PhD program?”, and all other thoughts that lead to my usual self-sabotaging tendencies. I started to mentally trace back where it all began, was it during my university years or senior school? No, it all started when I was 6 years old, and hear me out, I’m not turning this into some therapy session but it did start there. Back at home, children normally start school (for public schools) at the age of 6 or 7, depending on what month you’re born in, how “grown” you look and if you went to preschool/kindergarten. As a tiny 6-year-old born in August with no formal preschool training, I was confident that my family’s home teaching was enough, and anyway, they said I was smart, so why wouldn’t I be chosen? Of course, they said no, I was too young and tiny they said. I cried so much that day, I felt rejected and unfairly treated because I could write my name, and even count to 20. But life moves on, I waited another year to begin my standard 1 at age 7.

Fast forward to standard 6, I had performed badly the previous year, getting my first C(overall results, a story for another time). But 12-year-old me was determined to get back to getting straight A’s and we had a strict teacher(FYI, corporal punishment was still a thing and that man was feared for exactly that). So it was fear of being beaten and the embarrassment and failure of the last year that fueled me. I did well my first term so much so that my cousin was confident that I could write the PSLE exams which are normally written at standard 7, she even paid for me to register early, and bought me books. I was ready to skip a grade. Unfortunately, I was hit with another no, from the school management, saying I was not ready and my mum yielded. Another no from adults that broke my heart. I moved on, and wrote my exams the next year.

Junior secondary school…what a time, actually one of the best times of my schooling years. Not all good but I had amazing classmates and teachers. And of course, I had the confidence of Young Sheldon. That’s where my belief in myself blossomed. I told myself that because I wasn’t born a genius, I was going to turn myself into one. Self-made genius. And this time I was going to write the national exams early; Junior Certificate Exams(JCE). Form 2 was the year I was supposed to write those exams, my friend was also writing them so I was so excited that we’d go to senior school together. Of course, grown-ups had other plans, another “no, you’re not ready”. And being the crybaby I am, I did the only thing I could do when things didn’t go my way, cried.

Acceptance and moving on helped numb the pain and confusion I felt from all these failures and no’s I got. As a ‘bookworm’ my life was about getting good grades and being recognized as a genius and when I didn’t reach my goals, my world came crashing down. Those around me didn’t understand because according to them I was doing well. In senior school, the last two years of uniform-wearing school, I was certain I was going to be a top achiever, after all this was all on me now, no adult would decide for me. The final exams came and went, results came out and crushed does not begin to explain how I felt. Here I was, almost 18 and I had no idea what to do with my not-top-achiever results. I remember telling my parents that death was the only way out for me, I could not take it, looking back at how I had held on for so long, always hoping that the next time, my prayers will be answered. This time, the no came directly from the big man.

I wouldn’t say I fully accepted my results, I remember applying for a scholarship in Japan with my friend, I did it because it was expected of me. I got in, passed the interview and everything. Then applied to BIUST just because they had a new course I found cool so I thought why not. I was supposed to apply for UB but got annoyed because the line was too long. I didn’t feel like going to university really, I was done with life.

I got accepted to BIUST for that course(mechatronics), but I had already accepted the offer from Japan to study Accounting. It was a difficult decision only because going abroad was/is a big thing and my parents’ dream to see their daughter “ko mahatsheng”, I don’t even know why I chose BIUST when I had the chance to travel, I just knew I had to. I was so confused by my decision, my “impulsiveness”, but went with it anyway. Now I had no one to blame for the no. I was slowly becoming a part of this journey I didn’t know I was on. University days were full of ups and downs that almost broke me(another story for another time), but I managed to graduate top of my class.

Now how did I end up in Ireland? After graduating, my main focus was getting into postgrad, I had been applying to programs during my final year and getting a lot of “we regret to inform you” responses. I applied to a short program in Drones that I managed to get into. It was to be from January to March 2020. So 2019 ended and just a week before I was to live in Malawi for the drone course, I went for an interview with a financial institution for the internship program. About two hours after the internship, I got a call from them, offering me the internship and I have never been so angry at the universe why did this have to happen? To some, this might have been an easy decision, get the internship and get paid, right? Well, being me is weird sometimes I don’t even know if I am me. Anyway, I chose the 3-month drone certificate course over a 2-year paid internship(If you’re my family and reading this, I didn’t get the job okay ;D). Why did I do that? I don’t know, it made sense to me, I had a project I wanted to work on that required in-depth knowledge of drones, it just made sense to go. And to this day I wouldn’t have it any other way, I would still choose Malawi. It didn’t feel that way coming from Malawi to a pandemic. So there I was, jobless, PhD applications I didn’t know I would pass and no other plans for my future but hope that things go my way. Well, they didn’t go my way, sort of, I got into my desired PhD program, but my scholarship later got deferred because of covid. So the whole of 2020 was going to be me, being home, trying to find an internship in a country that mostly offers 1+ years of internship for you to be paid. That is when I felt like I fumbled the bag. I won’t go into details about 2020 because it was a trying time for me. So 2021 comes, I finally prepare to start my PhD journey when I got offered a job in the drone tech industry, and their condition, choose them over my scholarship with promises of taking me to school in the future. And by now we all know I am one impulsive human being, I was not going to give up my scholarship for anything or anyone. So yes, another job down the drain, even though I was so broke that I could not even fund my relocation to start school(at this point I was living by pure hope and faith that things will work out).

And by faith, they did work out, now I am here, having brand new worries and fears and still making “reckless” decisions about my career and future. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Now, there are a lot of gaps in my story because I have been through the weirdest situations and do not want to write a whole biography here. The takeaway from my story?

“The universe has a way of leading you to where you’re supposed to be when you are supposed to be there” Molly.

This story is also a way of me introducing myself to the world and future readers of my work. I hope to keep sharing my work, random thoughts and storytimes here.