This one is a little overdue…
On September 12 2022, I made this draft, hoping to write something about my 1 year in Ireland and as a PhD student, but my brain was empty. I had not achieved much. On top of that, I had reached the ‘Broke PhD student peak’ and had failed a module the previous semester so what was there to write about?
Even now, I don’t have much to write about. The lessons learnt were eye-opening, most of them broke my soul to the point of me questioning this journey I have chosen. I do not know how many times I have sat down alone, planning how I will tell my family and friends that I have decided to quit. Even as I write this it is the only thing I’m thinking about, quitting. The good parts don’t feel enough anymore, my mental health has been at its lowest and for the first time in maybe forever? I do not have a plan. And that it’s okay really. All I can do now is learn from the mistakes, take it a day at a time, re-evaluate my life and dig very deep inside of me and try to find that fire and passion I know I have, find what exactly makes my soul sing.
From the outside looking in, one could say I had a good year, I went out a lot and tried making friends and socializing and I am thankful for those days as they made me want to hold on just a little, hope for the better and keep going. At the same time, it’s like they made things worse, I felt forced to be happy or at least look it. Balancing my social life, my mental health, my school work and my finances in a new country alone, has to be by far(and hopefully my last) the most confusing, draining and depressing year of my life.
FOR 2023…
As I welcome this new year, a little wiser and a little stronger, my goals are
- just trying to be me, who that is, is still a mystery.
- To continue/finish what I started(my PhD journey)
- To find a place I can call home/support system.
- Learn to speak up. Ask for help.
- Put my mental health first.
- Put me first.
- And most importantly, to breathe.
To a new chapter filled with opportunities to grow and be better. To being Tlamelo Tamaki Makati. Cheers🍾